The Grand Accusation: The "Kidnapping" of Lord Valen, by Verona B. with Ms. Vicente

Newspaper club’s longstanding feud with JW MAC is well-documented. It all began in November, when JW MAC viciously ding-dong ditched us and deposited a witch named Merdith in front of our door. 

But that wasn’t all: 

In December, we were ding-dong ditched once again although this time we were startled to see a scarecrow on our doorstep. This was unsurprisingly the fault of JW MAC. This quarrel increased to the degree of us being accused of theft TWICE. 

The first unfounded accusation came in December, when our headquarters was invaded by a mob demanding that we return a “stolen” “nose.” This fabrication is extremely offensive and just proves that JW MAC is unorganized and points all their problems on us. 

Newspaper club member Zoey holding a pencil that certainly was not used as a snowman's nose in the media center.

In reality, we were the victims of a theft: They stole our irreplaceable potato chips. When we stormed down to the library in confrontation, we were blamed for an alleged ransom note. It was later proved that this note never existed. 

Our conflict seemed to simmer down in late 2024, before winter break, when a peace treaty was drafted between our two clubs. The treaty (which was a poorly made snowflake) read “a peace offering… for now.”

But the slander of our club has reached a boiling point. Recently, JW MAC has proven to be poor caregivers to their toad. Lord Valen is a pink and red velvet plush toad, who typically graces the media center during the Valentine’s season. However, this year, JW MAC failed to sustain his needs, and he disappeared. Guess who they blamed? 

Yes, again, newspaper club has been unjustly blamed for JW MAC’s loss of their toad. (Then again, JW MAC could not even verify that Lord Valen was indeed a toad. They waffled between calling him a “toad” and a “frog.” If they cannot even identify his species, how can they be trusted to keep track of his whereabouts?)

“PARLAY! PARLAY!” They came barging in as we write this article, demanding that we return their stolen frog. They were wielding yardsticks, a clear threat. They began to ransack our room and lift up ceiling tiles, looking for their “kidnapped” frog. They even took Sofija N. as a hostage. 

The accusations are out of hand. We have never done such a thing. 

Newspaper club sponsor Ms. Vicente, holding a red and pink velvet plush toad. Photo credit: Rhys M.

Out of the kindness of our hearts, we’ve agreed to help JW MAC recover Lord Valen with our investigative prowess. We’ll have to end it here to check up on Sofija. 

P.S.: This was the 100th article we published in the 2024-25 school year.